A Moment of Clarity

It's been years since I posted. Mostly because I don't know how to put into words what I am feeling.


What I felt?


Not to mention all the numerous moments I felt nothing or way too much.


I started a new job. I actually have done several jobs since the last post. But this one is sticking.


This one gives me a lot of time to be alone within myself even when I'm not by myself.


My whole life has kind of been a blur since 2009 and I guess. It doesn't feel like I should be nearing 26 now and yet here I am.


Today while working I started thinking. Why?




Why has my life gone the way that it has. I have always been the one to make decisions about my life. What I would do. Who I would do it with. Where I would go. What I would see.


Yet sometimes I feel that I missed something somewhere.


I have gone years not feeling happy or whole and I can never but my finger on why.


It's like the opposite of the song "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"


Who I was hates who I am.


Not that I am a horrible person.


But I am not who I was and in some aspects we can all be grateful for that.


But today. TODAY. I came to a moment of clarity.


Who I was hates who I am because who I am is someone I never thought I would be.


Now that I have lived in that moment I am stuck there. I genuinely don't know how to erase this feeling or even reach a level of contentment.


How do you accept who you are if it's not someone you ever thought you would be?


How do you accept the changes that you made for yourself that ultimately put you where you are today?


They weren't bad decisions. They didn't leave me in a bad place.


I have never really been one for regrets. I always said that I didn't regret anything because at one time or another it was something I wanted.


But all the little wants turned into one giant question of who I even am anymore.