Project 365-Day 1

I am starting this with 3 people in mind. I want something to keep me busy and give me something to do everyday. I also wanted to start something for my husband and my aunt who can't be with our family this year and would love daily updates even if they can't get to them. So here it begins on Day 1. Although today isn't really Day 1 for either of them. My aunt has been gone for a while and my husband left on the 9th so yesterday was our first day without each other. Today hasn't gotten any better though.. But I'm not trying to focus on that I'm trying to focus on getting through this year. So with all of that being said. Here is Day 1.

My poor puppy. He lays in the bag my husbands clothes came out of any chance he gets. It's stupid that this tears at my heartstrings right now. I know he misses him though. He cries and looks for him and is very clingy right now. Which I don't mind having someone to cuddle with all day.

I'm off to busy myself. I think I might go on a walk or do some yoga. Let's get this year done.

Struggling

So much has happened since I posted in February.



We moved because the hubby was getting stationed over seas. Which is not so grand in my eyes but they need him over there.



Ok so that was pretty much it.



I mean other than him going to training schools for May and June and being home the entire month of July, that really is all that happened. I've been keeping busy with that alone. We are took a little mini vacation before he headed over for a year.



I can honestly say that him being gone for a year is going to be hard of course. It was hard when we were separated for the 2Nd year of our entire relationship but we have only spent half the time we have been together, well, together. We started dating in the beginning of 2008 and he left in 2009 (all year) we got married the last day of 2009 which is funny because we started dating the first day of 2008. We were married all year of 2010 and got to live together until well now technically but he left in May and June so I say until April of 2011. Now he is leaving until August or September of 2012.



But setting all that aside the hardest part will be that he isn't allowed internet or phone calls or mail for 3 months while he is out to sea. He is out to sea for three months and then back for one month and then out for three months again for a whole year!



So for three months I can email and write letters all I want but I can't see his face or hear his voice or even get a letter back. I get to talk to myself, have a one-sided conversation.

I honestly thought that I would be able to stand strong for a couple months at least but this last 24 hours has been taxing to say the least. I don't know when I will be able to talk to him again. I mean aside from the fact that I dropped him off at 11:30am at the airport yesterday and he still won't land until 10 pm tonight and who knows when he will be able to get to a means of communication because when he gets there his day is just starting.

I wish there could be a happier note to today but I can't find one.

The happiest note I have is what I told him at 3 this morning.

It is hard to exist without you. I truly understand the meaning of two people becoming one. One soul coexisting in two bodies. It doesn't break but it hurts to be stretched this far for so long. But I don't have to tell you this because you already know. I love you. I don't say this because I think you forgot I say it so everyone else remembers.

This next year won't be easy. The entire year will be a prayer and Amen will be said when I see him step off that plane again. But i will try and be strong for him and for myself.

I'm thinking of starting that project 365 so he can see a picture everyday so he won't feel so disconnected. We will see how today goes. I'm just ready to talk to him...

I Wait For No Man

I can sit here at 4:32am on Valentine's Day and say that 5 years ago I would have said that I would never be a military wife because I will not sit around and wait for a man that's always gone. I can sit here and say that because it's true.

I never in my 20 years thought that I would be the type of girl to not only wait for a man, but to have it on my daily list of things to-do to get by.

I have never waited for a man.
I didn't sit by the phone and await a call, I lived my life.
I didn't wait for them to get their act together, I moved on. 
I didn't wait for them to grow up, I did a little more maturing myself and said goodbye.

It never crossed my mind that this 6'7" brown hair, blue eyed boy (term used incredibly loosely, he is most definitely a man in my eyes) would steal my heart away and have me waiting for years. He kept me waiting too.

I waited for his texts in the morning.
I waited for his texts every minute.
I waited for his lunch breaks.
I waited to until the store died down so I could walk up to it and see him.
I waited for him to get off work every night so we could spend a couple of hours together.
I waited for him to shower and change clothes and pick me up.

But the waiting got longer after that.


I waited 6 months for him to ask me out.
I waited 9 months for him to say he loved me.
I waited for 2 months just to be able to see his face.
I waited weeks at a time just to hear his voice.
I waited for the mailman everyday in hopes of a letter written in his almost illegible scrawl.
I waited anxiously at the airport every time just to run and hug him.
I waited 10 months for him to ask me to marry him.
I waited 10+ hours while he drove up to see me for one day to turn around and drive back.
I waited a year until we could be together.

I sit at home almost everyday and wait for him to come home.
Just so I can tell him I love him before he goes to sleep.

We've been married for 1 year, 1 month and 14 days and I can't see myself waiting for anyone else.

He tests my patience, he tests my love, he tests my friendship, and he tests my strength.
I strive to pass everyday.

He is one of the best husbands a woman could ask for. I am extremely lucky to have him because I didn't even ask for him. I wasn't even looking him. He was standing on the side lines telling me how a woman should be treated.

How I should be treated.

So when that wasn't sufficient he jumped in and showed me and it's been all uphill from there.

I can't say downhill because that's bad or easy. It hasn't been easy.
I can't say smooth sailing because I am definitely one to rock the boat and we have hit some rough waters.

Uphill is befitting. We are moving toward a high goal and though it's been hard and we've had to push we are still moving in that same direction. The direction we started in.

So though I was never one to wait...
Things change.
People change.
I changed.
I realized that this man was worth the wait and no other was.

Of All to Come

So I arrived back at my own home today after a week of vacation. I have so much to document. My anniversary was Friday and we went to Universal for three days. But spent a week in Orlando, FL and even got to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

I'm going to recover tonight from all the walking and pushing and unpack and upload pictures and love on the puppy but I hope to post pictures soon.

you know it's a good vacation when you have to recuperate.

Don't ever vacation on the holidays. Unless you REALLY like people!

Because that's the kinda girl I am

Feng shui is a hard art to master.

My husband just rearranged my living room for the 2nd time in a month...if even that much. I think we rearranged it right before Thanksgiving =]

But he did it willingly because he loves me and I made him...because...well...revert to the title.

So I've thought about starting "Project 365" at the beginning of 2011. Post a picture everyday and write a post. That'll be right after my exercising and therapy sessions for cynicism and jadism.(Jadism is not a word by the way)

I don't know if I'm happy about the living room now even. I think I've outgrown an apartment. At least this ridiculously laid out one. If I could knock out a couple walls it wouldn't be so bad. I need to post some pictures once I get it decorated for Christmas I will.

This is a very short post but I am going to spend time with my husband decorating and watching Christmas movies. Maybe settle in with some hot chocolate. Sounds like a plan.

I'll be back real soon.

But not tonight. So don't wait around...

As it has been forever...

I figured it was past due for a post even though I don't have deadlines like some of you do.

That is just so restricting. In all honestly this is the 3rd post I have started in the past couple of weeks. Well 4th if you count the one I started on vacation but I don't actually remember posting that one. But I know I posted a couple weeks ago. I just don't know what to blog about.

So right now we are smack in the middle of two major US holidays. Holidays were not created for people in the military. My husband worked 80 hours in 5 days starting with Thanksgiving when he was supposed to be home entertaining all the people I didn't know. Which was 8 of 10 people at my house. Thanksgiving = awkward. I only saw my husband 10 hours in almost week. He was back at work yesterday after only 1 day off.

If I've never mentioned it before I'll mention it now. I hate being alone all the time. I mean when I lived at home there was always someone around but now I spend all day with a napping dog, Jessica Fletcher and the residents of Cabot Cove, and the ominous noises outside my windows that I probably make up half the time.

Ominous might a little strong of an adjective but you can't take that from me right now.

But about the holidays...I spent four days cooking for Thanksgiving and I'm going to have to spend all 25 days preparing for Christmas seeing as I've kind of been a Scrooge. I mean I put the tree up but I have definitely been procrastinating on decorating it.

It's really hard for me not to be a scrooge. I've sat at home every holiday and birthday (his and mine), alone. That's not enjoyable and other people enjoy their time but I don't get to. Which is what upsets me. When people tell me that I shouldn't be so gloomy or I should be glad that he comes home every night. Do they not understand that when he comes home it's 5 in the morning and we got to bed and sleep for 8-10 hours and then we get up and he has to be at work at 3pm. I am happy that he isn't deployed, trust me,I'm thrilled but it's hard to find delight in that fact when he is 15 mins down the road staring at a wall. No exaggeration there. Maybe a generalized one. Sometimes....he stares at water. Woo

So my New Year's resolution is going to be to get 30 minutes of serious movement in a day and to not be so cynical and jaded. But I don't even have confidence that I can achieve the latter.

I wish I had something funny and witty to say but in all honestly other people fuel my ability to be witty. Usually. They are my muse.

No.

Stupidity is my muse.

This is the end.

Inner Turmoil

I find emotions hard to nail down right now. I mean I can tell you what emotions I'm feeling but I couldn't nail down which one I feel stronger. Like the feeling to be happy for someone or angry at their luck. I am happy for this person but I'm also upset because they are getting what I busted my butt to get just to have it slip away from me all the while they are effortlessly being granted every wish. I'm not comparing my wishes tho their wishes either. Like I want a new car and they want a new dress. No I mean equal wishes. A car for a car. A pair of shoes for a pair of shoes. I think I just got a really freakin lazy fairy godmother. I would ask to trade it in but I see it's pointless now. Is it horrible that I feel that way? ...No because I don't feel that way. I see it that way but my feelings are hurt and they don't want to even accommodate the thought that this is it and it's all I'm ever going to get. So if you read this, don't pray that I get what I want I'm going after that myself, pray that I find an inner peace and happiness that I can pull to the surface and use to be the person I need to be in these situations. 

Because being "fair" is only a skin tone now.

I would say I haven't blogged because I haven't had time. But we all know that would be a lie.

Why is it that when you get stuff put together something comes along and messes it up? I don't really need the question answered. I already know the answer. It's not a question I like answering.

More like it's not the question I mind answering...it's the answer I know is right and I would be more mature to answer it honestly. But being mature and adult like is so...unfair sometimes.

Like when you go on vacation and you either don't have a good time or you have a fabulous time and then when you get home things with work and bills and the house are messed up to the nth power.

Vacation- that was a time I was both looking forward to and at the same time not. Spastic Sarcastic is an appropriate title most of the time. I am very sarcastic and often spastic with my sarcasm. I also am not one to hold my tongue. If I think someone needs to hear something I'm going to be the one to tell them. I've realized over the years that it isn't always the best idea so I've tried harder to hold my tongue. Most of the time it works. Other times I just trick my brain by telling Person B what I would really like to tell Person A and then after I say it all and step back I realize it was better that I didn't say it to Person A in the first place. Although I still think they need to hear it.

Most people don't care about your opinion. Like they say "80% of people don't care about your problems and the other 20% are just glad you have them"

I've noticed these past few months that have of my life mottos are very pessimistic.

"If it wasn't this, it would be something else."
It's fabulous outlook to have on life....don't you think?

For instance, right now I'm wide awake on two hours of sleep after I sat up until 5 in the morning to go to bed with my husband and he is laying in bed sleeping soundly and I've been up for 4 hours watching House!

Don't get me wrong I love House. I would also rather be insomniatic than left awake with severe back pain or an ear infection or stomach pains that run me to the bathroom every hour.

I also don't understand why I have a whole six foot couch and my dog decided he has to sit on the very same cushion I am sitting on.

Why do I have a queen size bed and does my dog still try to sleep between my legs or constantly pressed up against me. I know for a fact I'm not the warmest one in the bed and I don't even lay still the longest.

He is so weird!

But he's so cute!

Well I have a list of things to do....including make a list. at the top of it is rudely awaken my husband because Misery loves company and he's officially slept longer than me.