It's been years since I posted. Mostly because I don't know how to put into words what I am feeling.
What I felt?
Not to mention all the numerous moments I felt nothing or way too much.
I started a new job. I actually have done several jobs since the last post. But this one is sticking.
This one gives me a lot of time to be alone within myself even when I'm not by myself.
My whole life has kind of been a blur since 2009 and I guess. It doesn't feel like I should be nearing 26 now and yet here I am.
Today while working I started thinking. Why?
Why has my life gone the way that it has. I have always been the one to make decisions about my life. What I would do. Who I would do it with. Where I would go. What I would see.
Yet sometimes I feel that I missed something somewhere.
I have gone years not feeling happy or whole and I can never but my finger on why.
It's like the opposite of the song "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"
Who I was hates who I am.
Not that I am a horrible person.
But I am not who I was and in some aspects we can all be grateful for that.
But today. TODAY. I came to a moment of clarity.
Who I was hates who I am because who I am is someone I never thought I would be.
Now that I have lived in that moment I am stuck there. I genuinely don't know how to erase this feeling or even reach a level of contentment.
How do you accept who you are if it's not someone you ever thought you would be?
How do you accept the changes that you made for yourself that ultimately put you where you are today?
They weren't bad decisions. They didn't leave me in a bad place.
I have never really been one for regrets. I always said that I didn't regret anything because at one time or another it was something I wanted.
But all the little wants turned into one giant question of who I even am anymore.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
It's Been A Long Time Since I Came Around
I have been thinking for awhile how to get back into this. I hate to inform you that I am just going to have to do it as it comes to me. I may have anxiety and be OCD but I just can't schedule the pure genius that comes from this mind of mine.
I'm pretty sure a large number of people are on Pinterest. If you aren't...I understand it's not for everyone. But I'm not everyone. I'm me. It's for me.
I have always been a quote junkie. I have notebooks now that I am trying to compile into one leather bound book that I pretend someone will find some day and be inspired by but I highly doubt it.
Not the point.
Point.
I find inspiration in almost everything I come across. Some small thing always inspires something. Not always grand and big. Sometimes it's just what color to paint my nails or what to have for lunch.
But this particular one I am about to list has been particularly thought provoking.
"I think it's very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."
Oscar Wilde said that.
At one point in my life I can say that I could honestly believe that and wrap my head around what it meant. I have read that quote at least 49 other times in this life.
But for whatever reason this 50th time it struck a chord and is now playing this very confusing melody.
I will be the first to admit that I do not enjoy being around people. I think the more people that are together the less they think properly and I definitely can NOT handle people who are, for lack of a better word, idiots.
But how do you define the difference between being alone and being lonely. When does one turn into the other? When is the amount of time we spend alone enough?
Plus aren't the things that we love and put our hearts and minds and souls into something that defines us?
Or maybe Wilde was saying that we shouldn't let other people define us. Not that our love for those people can't be defining of us but that we shouldn't let other people tell us who we are.
Is it saying "You define me because I love you" or is it "I love you because you define me"
I have literally retyped that previous sentence 5 times and I am still not sure if it makes sense or not. See it doesn't even make sense to me and it is coming out of my head!
What if being surrounded by people is what defines them?
What defines someone who doesn't enjoy people? Can they be lonely?
Let's go this route instead.
I imagine that Wilde meant that you need to spend time alone and learn who you are. In your own mind. Your own ways. So that when you aren't alone you can't be defined by what others want you to be or THINK you should be.
When is being alone too much? When does it stop being a defining moment?
I'm pretty sure a large number of people are on Pinterest. If you aren't...I understand it's not for everyone. But I'm not everyone. I'm me. It's for me.
I have always been a quote junkie. I have notebooks now that I am trying to compile into one leather bound book that I pretend someone will find some day and be inspired by but I highly doubt it.
Not the point.
Point.
I find inspiration in almost everything I come across. Some small thing always inspires something. Not always grand and big. Sometimes it's just what color to paint my nails or what to have for lunch.
But this particular one I am about to list has been particularly thought provoking.
"I think it's very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."
Oscar Wilde said that.
At one point in my life I can say that I could honestly believe that and wrap my head around what it meant. I have read that quote at least 49 other times in this life.
But for whatever reason this 50th time it struck a chord and is now playing this very confusing melody.
I will be the first to admit that I do not enjoy being around people. I think the more people that are together the less they think properly and I definitely can NOT handle people who are, for lack of a better word, idiots.
But how do you define the difference between being alone and being lonely. When does one turn into the other? When is the amount of time we spend alone enough?
Plus aren't the things that we love and put our hearts and minds and souls into something that defines us?
Or maybe Wilde was saying that we shouldn't let other people define us. Not that our love for those people can't be defining of us but that we shouldn't let other people tell us who we are.
Is it saying "You define me because I love you" or is it "I love you because you define me"
I have literally retyped that previous sentence 5 times and I am still not sure if it makes sense or not. See it doesn't even make sense to me and it is coming out of my head!
What if being surrounded by people is what defines them?
What defines someone who doesn't enjoy people? Can they be lonely?
Let's go this route instead.
I imagine that Wilde meant that you need to spend time alone and learn who you are. In your own mind. Your own ways. So that when you aren't alone you can't be defined by what others want you to be or THINK you should be.
When is being alone too much? When does it stop being a defining moment?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Project 365-Day 24
I would agree with anyone that says I am an old soul.
My wedding was 1940's themed.
My living room is Old Hollywood themed with pictures of Humphrey Bogart and Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe and James Dean on the wall.
I am a mad bargain hunter and if I can find antiques super cheap I am ALL over it. So when I ran across a silver tea set for $21 I was ecstatic!
It's so pretty!
Now if I can just find a vintage vanity tabletop set.
My wedding was 1940's themed.
My living room is Old Hollywood themed with pictures of Humphrey Bogart and Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe and James Dean on the wall.
I am a mad bargain hunter and if I can find antiques super cheap I am ALL over it. So when I ran across a silver tea set for $21 I was ecstatic!
Now if I can just find a vintage vanity tabletop set.
Project 365-Day 23
I love my husband.
I mean that really goes without being said.
But still.
I do.
It's true.
I'm always looking for ways to tell him and show him that I support him in whatever he wants to do and that I love him and I'm proud of him and I have done it in two words and a bunch of rhinestones.
I don't think I have gone a day without wearing it since I picked it up.
it is so hard being away from him and not being able to see his face and hold his hand and hear his voice.
I'm still his wife and I still love him and support him and I'm still proud and I will power through even it is only to be held in his arms again.
My heart is with him wherever he goes and like I told him we are one soul coexisting in two bodies. It doesn't break but it hurts to be stretched this far for so long.
I mean that really goes without being said.
But still.
I do.
It's true.
I'm always looking for ways to tell him and show him that I support him in whatever he wants to do and that I love him and I'm proud of him and I have done it in two words and a bunch of rhinestones.
I don't think I have gone a day without wearing it since I picked it up.
it is so hard being away from him and not being able to see his face and hold his hand and hear his voice.
I'm still his wife and I still love him and support him and I'm still proud and I will power through even it is only to be held in his arms again.
My heart is with him wherever he goes and like I told him we are one soul coexisting in two bodies. It doesn't break but it hurts to be stretched this far for so long.
Project 365-Day 22
My poor Bogart.
He has always been allowed to sleep in our bed unless we didn't have enough room or he took up too much room or it was TOO hot to sleep with a personal space heater.
He has always stolen our pillows and blankets and side of the bed.
However the same is not to be said for Bogart and my parents.
My mom hates him laying on her bed when is isn't made. He is allowed on the comforter but not the sheets or the pillows.
He definitely isn't allowed to sleep with them.
He gets his revenge on my mother though.
Like on days like these.
Not only is he on the sheets he is BETWEEN the pillows laying his head on her neck pillow.
I have to deal with this vengeful little twerp. But I can't imagine my life without him and I sure don't know how I would make it through without him.
Other than my husband he seems to understand me really well. He is part human I swear but then going back through these posts he is also part cat.
Which means I have a scientific experiment on my hands...
What a lovely freak he is!
He has always been allowed to sleep in our bed unless we didn't have enough room or he took up too much room or it was TOO hot to sleep with a personal space heater.
He has always stolen our pillows and blankets and side of the bed.
However the same is not to be said for Bogart and my parents.
My mom hates him laying on her bed when is isn't made. He is allowed on the comforter but not the sheets or the pillows.
He definitely isn't allowed to sleep with them.
He gets his revenge on my mother though.
Like on days like these.
I have to deal with this vengeful little twerp. But I can't imagine my life without him and I sure don't know how I would make it through without him.
Other than my husband he seems to understand me really well. He is part human I swear but then going back through these posts he is also part cat.
Which means I have a scientific experiment on my hands...
What a lovely freak he is!
Project 365-Day 21
Since I have moved back to my hometown I have pretty much been trying to keep myself busy with the Hubs being gone. So I picked up a blanket to make for my sister's Harry Potter themed room.
Although it really isn't Harry Potter it's more like a Hufflepuff dorm room.
I finally finished it 3 months later!
I think it turned out great of course the more I look at it the more I can see stuff that I could have done better and EASIER.
But beginnings are for everyone and so is learning and this was definitely a learning experience so I can confidently say that there will be more to come!
In fact I'm starting a couple of scarves soon and if they turn out the way I want them to they will most definitely be worthy of a post!
Although it really isn't Harry Potter it's more like a Hufflepuff dorm room.
I finally finished it 3 months later!
But beginnings are for everyone and so is learning and this was definitely a learning experience so I can confidently say that there will be more to come!
In fact I'm starting a couple of scarves soon and if they turn out the way I want them to they will most definitely be worthy of a post!
Project 365-Day 20
So for the last year I have been growing my hair out and I'm not really ready to cut it off yet but I want to do something new and different.
So I've been looking at feather extensions and stuff like that. I have dozens of pictures of possibilities but I really like these.
I just can't decide what to do yet and until I do I will have the same boring hair....
Project 365-Day 19
So I wonder if when P. Diddy wakes up in the morning he has a dog that steals his spot before he can even get out of bed.
Hypothetically let's just say that P. Diddy wakes up and rolls over to check his phone that is laying on his bedside table and then he decides to go ahead and take it off the charger and play Tiny Tower. Hypothetically mind you.
Well then say he used his arm on the floor to keep himself from rolling off the bed but as he tried to roll back over he found that his dog had taken his spot and he couldn't roll over so he was stuck unless he crawled out of bed.
I mean if he did that hypothetically then hypothetically this particular morning...
I woke up feeling like P. Diddy.
Hypothetically...
Of course
Hypothetically let's just say that P. Diddy wakes up and rolls over to check his phone that is laying on his bedside table and then he decides to go ahead and take it off the charger and play Tiny Tower. Hypothetically mind you.
Well then say he used his arm on the floor to keep himself from rolling off the bed but as he tried to roll back over he found that his dog had taken his spot and he couldn't roll over so he was stuck unless he crawled out of bed.
I mean if he did that hypothetically then hypothetically this particular morning...
I woke up feeling like P. Diddy.
Hypothetically...
Of course
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)